19th of May 2016

London, United Kingdom – TheBreakupApp.com is proud to announce the worldwide launch of LittleBook for both iOS and Android for £1.49 ($1.99 USD). Based on science, LittleBook is a relationship journal app designed to make breakups easier by helping people understand their relationships and giving them a safe place to put past partners, so they can stop carrying around painful memories. LittleBook users can also anonymously read shared stories and share any chapter they write with other users.

Breakups are one of the most painful and difficult things people experience.

TheBreakupApp.com’s survey, which sampled over eleven thousand relationships, found 59% of respondents rated their breakups 8 or higher on a 10-point pain scale (with 10 being the most painful). In fact, scientists have reported that under an MRI scanner, the brains of the heartbroken people resemble the brains of those experiencing cocaine withdrawal.

What if healing from a breakup could be smoother and less damaging?

A 2015 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found “reflecting on a recent breakup can help speed the healing process.” The discovery was answering questions helped people better process their breakup and develop a stronger sense of independence and self. “That process of feeling complete again, and regaining what you had to let go, is really healthy and drives recovery,” the researcher Larson said.

One key approach leveraged by LittleBook is summarised by Lauren Howe on The Atlantic: “The stories we tell ourselves about rejection … can shape how, and how well, we cope with it. Previous research has illustrated the importance of storytelling in other realms—for example, recovering alcoholics who told redemptive stories in which they learned something from their suffering were more likely to maintain sobriety… Narratives that explained pivotal decisions (including getting married or divorced, and changing jobs) as moving toward a desired future, rather than escaping an undesirable past, were associated with higher life satisfaction.”

So what does LittleBook do?

LittleBook (https://www.thebreakupapp.com) was created to help people find meaning, relieve emotional pain, and shorten the recovery journey. By answering questions backed by research and designed by experts, users gain closure and end up with stories that help them see their experiences from a calmer, healthier perspective.

Therapeutic Understanding & Appreciation

LittleBook asks users questions about their relationship to facilitate understanding, rebuild self-image, and lay the groundwork for moving on.

The app also leverages research by Dr. Lewandowski, who showed writing with a focus on the positive aspects of the break-up helps to revive the self and emotionally recover.

“Psychologically, we know that writing about events helps people understand the event more clearly,” he says. “In the case of break-up, these writing prompts force people to think about break-up in a way that most people don’t. Rather than the more typical experience of wallowing in sadness and ruminating on the negative aspects, these prompts encourage people to focus the good things (and there are always some),” explains Dr. Lewandowski.

Storytelling & Closure

After answering all the questions, the user is given breakup advice and her “story”, stitched from her own answers and always editable.

Professor Pennebaker at The University of Texas points out the act of expressing trauma has been part of healing for virtually all cultures, ranging from Native American indigenous cultures to those based on Western and Eastern religious beliefs. He advises, “People who are able to construct a story, to build some kind of narrative … seem to benefit more than those who don’t.”

Overcoming Withdrawal

Psychologists found “the more complete the [users’] accounts about why the relationship ended, the more they felt that the relationships were over and that they had control over their recovery processes.”

LittleBook encourages users to continue to add details to and edit their stories, especially when they have the “craving” to initiate after-breakup contact, which is disruptive to the healing process.

In fact, Dr. Pennebaker discovered those who had worked over several days to develop a more structured story seemed to benefit the most.

Satisfied Mind

LittleBook makes forgetting is easier too: Early beta users felt less guilty about and became more receptive to forgetting because they knew their stories would always be there, never lost. After all has been written, there’s nothing more to carry. The only thing left is to begin to move on.

The app not only helps users gain closure, but also helps them feel connected in some way to their past loves. One early beta user reports finding it especially comforting to be able to revisit loving memories of her ex, like in a “glass menagerie” and to feel the closeness her previous relationship even though it ended.

Users can keep multiple relationships in LittleBook as chapters to gain an overview of their love journey. LittleBook will always be available, so users can safely delete the app when they feel better. Re-download it later with chapters intact whenever needed. All data are private by default.

One more thing… LittleBook has group therapy: Users can anonymously read shared stories and share any chapter they write with other users, who may learn from those experiences and feel less alone.

Ready to be amazing again?

Download the app, write to angel@thebreakupapp.com, or visit us at www.thebreakupapp.com

Download Links:

Get LittleBook App on App Store
Get LittleBook App on Play Store

Photos:
Splash Image
LittleBook Logo
LittleBook App Icon

iOS Screenshots [1][2][3][4][5]

Android Screenshots [1][2][3][4][5]

How painful is a breakup on average? We take a look at the factors that shape how painful breakups are.

In general, breakups are very painful. In our public breakup survey, 59% of respondents reported Pain Scores of 8 or greater (with 10 being the highest). The survey asks a series of questions including relationship length, age, gender, distance, sexual activity, number of partners, and more.

With over eleven thousand responses, it’s a big data set! With a pivot table, we analysed several factors in relationships and how they are related to the painfulness of breakups. Today, we look at 3 factors that influence how painful a breakup is.

Although the average breakup painfulness stays consistently within the 6.5 to 8 pain range, painfulness peaks at ages 26 to 33. This could be attributed to the type of relationship one is in, life experiences, comparable events, social support, and other factors.

Respondents who were highly sexually active reported on average the most pain after a breakup, while those less sexually active reported less. This highlights the important and interesting interplay between physiology and psychology. After a breakup, those who were more sexually active probably experienced a larger shock to their physical and mental states and a noticeably starker disparity. Another explanation could be that those who are more in love naturally engage in more sex, and therefore, rated their breakups as more painful.

Our analysis shows breakup painfulness steadily increases as the length of the relationship increases. The good news is that the average painfulness reaches its maximum Pain Score of just under 8 when the relationship length is 1-2 years old. This means a relationship longer than 1-2 years is unlikely to cause greater breakup pain. Good to know you can max out on pain at some point!

We also looked at gender and found breakups are hard on both sides, but women reported feeling more pain (7.59 average Pain Score, sd=2.43, n=6970 ) than men did (7.40 average Pain Score, sd=2.37, n=4199). You might think .19 pain points isn’t that big of a deal, but it’s extremely statistically significant (two-tailed p-value less than 0.0001). We actually have no idea what .19 pain points translates into. Maybe a roundhouse kick in the groin?

And very surprisingly, we found breakups resulting from long distance relationships were on average slightly more painful than those from non-long distance relationships. Even more interestingly, breakups where the relationship was sometimes long distance were the most painful. Perhaps those relationship tended to be longer (we have not adjusted for that), partners loved each other more which is why they put up with the distance, or partners got closer through having to deal with being both together and apart.

While we don’t claim this survey to be a completely scientific study because participants are self selecting, you can gleam some interesting insights on how different factors affect breakup painfulness. Participants found the survey through our website, Google, Tumblr, Facebook, Reddit, and friends. Guys make up 32% of the sample size and girl make up 68%.

If you haven’t tried LittleBook yet, go here now to check it out. It’s our answer to making breakups less painful and shortening the recovery journey!

Stay tuned for more news!

“It is simple and brutal: a person can get used to anything, even killing.” – Life of Pi by Yann Martel

When you break up it might feel like you’ve lost a part of you. It might feel extraordinarily painful. It can feel horribly sad. But it won’t be like this forever. You may not believe it but in time, you’ll start to feel good again.

Take for example people who have lost an arm or leg. Although it’s a bit dramatic, it’s similar to a difficult break up. Here are the symptoms:

Denial and isolation: “I can’t believe this is happening.”
Anger: “Why me?” “I can’t stand this.”
Bargaining: “If I do this, will I get well?”
Depression: “What’s the use?”
Acceptance: “Nothing I can do about it, may as well make the best of it.”

The crucial stage is acceptance. Although the other stages are necessary and important as well, the place where you’ll start seeing glipses of hope and joy is during acceptance.

A teenager named Jana lost one of her legs to cancer and experienced an incredible sense of loss. She felt incomplete and freaky, so much that she had a hard time looking in the mirror. After a few weeks, she realised she would never have two legs again and that acceptance allowed her to start taking action to better her life and find enjoyment in her life. “It was a big mind shift for me to say, ‘Okay, I’m a one-legged person, let’s get on with life.’ ” Still it wasn’t easy but it started her off in the right direction.

In the book Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz, the author describes a type of adaptation. He draws from a famous study by Brickman, Coates, and Janoff-Bulman (1978) that asked lottery winners and recent accident victoms to rate their happiness on a 5-point scale. The lottery winners had won between $50,000 and $1 million in state lotteries within the last year, while the accident victims had become paraplegic or disabled.

Not surprisingly, the lottery winners were happier than those who had become paralyzed. But the interesting part is several years after the event, when asked again, the lottery winners and accident victims reported roughly the same level of happiness. This means people get used to what they have whether it’s good or bad.

When you get something you want you’re happy for a while. Remember how happy you were when you got that toy on Christmas? How long did that last? Remember how happy you were when you got into college? Even if you reach your dream, that doesn’t mean you’ll be happy forever. Look at all the suicides by people who seemingly have everything.

Hedonic adaptation is the term for positive experiences becoming more disappointing over time. Given this inevitable disappointment, people will be driven to seek novelty, to seek out new experiences and things that can provide pleasure undiminished by repeated exposure. Yet even these new experiences will lose their intensity over time. Still people will keep chasing new pleasures like hamsters on a treadmill.

Likewise, the pain of losing someone will dissipate over time. In time, you’ll naturally be ready to start doing what you enjoy and feeling happy again, maybe even having grown a little bit stronger emotionally. All you have to do is keep breathing until that day.

This weekend, cycling home from a house party at 1AM I passed a man sleeping on a vent on the sidewalk. He was lying in a fetal position. A grown man, not old, middle aged, dressed in a grey jacket and khakis, he could be anyone but here he was. All alone in the dark night. My heart sank. Like a knife had stabbed it and it was weeping. Who was he? Why was he there? That could be me. How does someone end up like that? To not have a place to sleep at night, to not have a friend in the world, what a cruel world this is. I wanted to help him but I was scared. I imagined myself piling money at his back. I imagined him being startled. Instead I numbly got back on my bike and in a torpor started peddling.

I don’t know how he’d ever get his life on track. I was just grateful. Thankful I had a sane mind and at leas a few things going for me: A job, a place to live, a few friends, parents who love me, and relatively good health. That’s pretty good isn’t it?

Have faith you have a purpose in life. It probably isn’t to suck as much happiness out of life as possible. It’s probably bigger than yourself. Have faith you’ll find love. Hey even roaches have kids, right :) As long as you wake up another day, you’ll have another chance.

Sometimes life kicks you down. Calmly get up and say you hit like a bitch.

Written by a woman from California.

I’m a middle aged Chinese-American single mother with 2 children, one is a freshman in college, the other is still in high school. My story may be a typical Chinese immigrant story. Hoping to find a hole to vent to blow away my anger and sadness and find some sympathy.

As many Chinese immigrants who came to America in late 1990s, my husband and I were medical school classmates, fell in love and then married. We had one son. My husband studied PhD in New York, USA and after about 1 year, I joined him with our 4 year old son. We lived on his scholarship for everything. Together we collected thing other students left when they moved such as mattress, table; went to garage sales together; went free shows in park together; later we had a daughter.

I worked in restaurants, hotels, then volunteer to work in research lab. Although the life was poor and hard, but we were happy together. After my husband graduated, he found job in a biotech company. China was developing quickly, the good opportunities and ambitious attracted hundred thousands of Chinese grads back China.

He was eager to go back China, yes, he wanted to be a boss of own company; that is his own country, no language barrier, no culture conflicts. But I can not go with him, the 2 kids were in school, almost do not know Chinese; also as a back up, I have to work and support 2 kids in America in case he fails.

He ambitiously left home without hesitation and like a fish swam back into the sea. After several months, his telephone calls became less and less, talk became shorter and shorter. Christmas time, he came back home for 1 week then next year did not come home at all. His excuse was too busy, too many things need to do… and we got more distant, the kids got used to living without him.

Somehow rumor came to my ear, he had a young girl and lived together. I was so shocked and angry. He first denied and made many excuses, said they are just colleagues. But he no longer care about me, the kids and our family. After a half year, he admitted his affair without shame.

I don’t know what to do. Many different ways I can try, quit job and bring kids to find him; fight with him; revenge on his lover, more sweetly beg him to come home; tolerate his affair and keep silent… I can not decide, just lived day by day sadly and hopelessly.

I just can not understand how 16 years of marriage is so fragile that only 1 year of separation can easily break it; why the family, wife and kids can not overcome one young girl; how he can so quick forget those tough roads we traveled together and those happy times we spent; how his heart can so easily be changed and a wife can be betrayed.

Love is just a fake fairy tale. I trusted in it and devoted my 16 years of life to creating something real with a person. Instead, he just discard it like a piece of waste paper.

Now he wants a divorce. I will not agree. I worked so hard to support him, raise children and aged myself. When he finally succeeded and found the American gold, he wants to start a new family.

I want to join those wives with similar experience. How can we can protect ourselves and family?

How we can punish these heartless husbands?

A Chinese Breakup Ceremony

You don’t need a big divorce ceremony to break up with your romantic partner like the rich people do in China. You can if you want. Those parties are usually pretty fun!

The clip is from If You Are the One 2 (非诚勿扰2), a Chinese movie. There are a lot of rich people in China and people just love an occasion to throw a party. The clip above shows two people officially divorcing at an “anti-wedding.”

The proper way to break up

If you read breakup advice columns, you’ll know the proper way to break up. Even guys take advice on how to break up.

In fact, break ups are such an important health issue even WebMD chimes in and advises:

Don’t Break Up Over Email

Social networking sites, including MySpace and Facebook, allow users to post comments on one another’s pages, but they should never be used to end a romantic relationship. Nor should web sites like Breakup Butler, which delivers several types of prerecorded breakup messages ranging from let-them-down-easy to downright mean.

“If it’s a casual encounter, a text message is OK. But to my mind, it’s better to call and speak or go out to dinner,” Lieberman says.

“The news of a breakup should never be broken over text or email,” says Alison Arnold, PhD, a therapist in Phoenix who is also known as ‘Doc Ali,’ the life coach on the VH1 series Scott Baio Is 45 … and Single. “Texting a breakup is the coward’s way out,” she says.

“Face-to-face or phone contact is a must,” Arnold says. “It’s important to give the person with whom you are ending the relationship the chance to ask questions and feel the sentiment underneath the words.”

Be as direct and honest as you can, she advises. “Don’t engage in tit-for-tat arguments. Stick to the facts: ‘It’s not working, it’s no one’s fault, we need to make a change.'”

Popular ways of breaking up

Ok, that’s the proper way to do it. But what are people doing? What are the most common ways girls and guys break up? Our analyst angels have taken some preliminary results from The Breakup Quiz and Fruit Ninja’ed it into this beautiful chart below.

The How People Break Up graph shows what the most popular methods for breakups initiated by girls (bars in pink), initiated by guys (bars in blue), and when breakups are mutual (grey). It is totalled and ranked from most common on the left to the least common on the right.

Here are some interesting findings:

• In-person talk is the most popular methods of ending a relationship by girls, guys, and when it’s mutual. The expert-recommended method is the most popular way of breaking up! The second most popular way is over the phone (including Skype and other VOIP services) and it’s also an expert recommended breakup method. The third most popular way of splitting up is over text message. For these top three breakup method there isn’t much gender difference or a bias by one sex.
   
• The four most common way of ending a relationship is by ignoring the person or cutting the person off. It is definitely not a recommended way of ending a relationship.

Dr. Petra Boynton explains How to breakup with someone and How not to dump someone:

There are definite things to avoid when ending a relationship, including:
– cutting person out of your life with no explanation
– getting someone else to end it on your behalf
– using the threat of a break up to control your partner
– giving mixed messages (so saying the relationship is over while acting as though you have a future together)
– being unkind or disinterested in hope they’ll end it
– keep changing the boundaries/expectations of the relationship so they can’t measure up
– cheat on them in the hope they’ll find out and dump you
– telling everyone else you know it is over (including posting on social media) before telling the person yourself
– continuing to be emotionally or sexually intimate with them after the breakup if you know they still want to be with you
– fob them off with platitudes ‘it’s not you it’s me’ may not help them understand why things have broken down, and it is likely they will not believe you and still blame themselves

• What’s interesting about this method of breakup is that it’s strongly preferred by women than by men. In fact, it’s the second most common way women break up and women are twice as more likely to do this than men. Perhaps it is because sometimes avoiding the person feels easier than the confrontation and awkward conversation. It may be guys are more confident about this or are more direct. Our guardian angels have interviewed couples that broke up by mutually drifting apart as well.

  One note about this is that, these break up methods are not mutually exclusive so perhaps some of those women used in-person conversations but then used the ignoring tactic to make it clear that the relationship is over for real.

• About 32% of people use more than way one way to break up because sometimes it takes a few times to get it done. Note: You can not see that from the graph.
   
• When a breakup is mutual, the method of splitting tend to be moving away or by writing (text message and email). However when a breakup is one sided, they tend to be through an in-person talk or conversation. Sometimes it’s a complete shock and you’re just left wondering “why”. There have been many songs written on this.
   
  

  It makes sense because if someone is moving away, you know there’s a chance the relationship may end. When you breakup over messages or email, you probably are both thinking the same thing and the communication is slower so you can get the hint.

  However, when one person wants to breakup and the other person doesn’t, then usually the person makes an effort to break the bad news in person or at least with a phone call to be respectful and give the other a chance to talk about it.

  In our data, only 22% percent of all break ups are mutual. Most breakups (78%) are initiated by one side. If you ask someone who ended it, they may answer it was a mutual decision because it protects their ego but when given the chance to be honest, usually one side wants out more than the other.

Significance and Considerations

While we don’t claim this survey to be a completely scientific study because participants are self selecting, you can gleam some interesting insights on how people break up. Participants find the survey through our website, Google, Tumblr, Reddit, and through friends. Boys make up 32% of the sample size and girl make up 68%.

Despite having more female participants in the survey, we had an equal number of guys and girls in our graph because we looked at who ended the relationship. If the participant said the other side ended it, we attributed the break up method to the opposite sex. Since we did not ask if the relationship was homosexual or heterosexual we assumed it was a monogamous heterosexual relationship.

The sample size as of this moment is 226 people and the age distribution is below.

If you haven’t taken the quiz yet, go here now to take it. It’s fun and short!

Stay tuned for more news!

One of the best ways to get over a breakup is to take a trip with friends.

If you’re feeling down, just do it. Go here and book a flight now, literally. I’m not even joking. Believe me it’ll be the most therapeutic experience you can have. It is one of the best things you can do after a breakup. Sure shopping therapy, icecream, working out, or a wild night out might help you feel good for a moment. And you should totally do those things to improve your mood but there’s nothing like a trip with your friends to give you that powerful boost of a fresh start and effective mental kick to feel good and rejuvenated. And maybe even change your fate. Sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways.

And please don’t let money stop you. When have you ever said, boy I’m so glad I didn’t have that awesome experience in Europe! I’m going to go look at the $3000 in my bank account and feel good about that now. If looking at a number on your bank account makes you happier than a life changing experience, stay at home. But if an experience and adventure means more to you than a number on your computer screen, the choice is obvious.

So you can stop being reminded of your ex.

I don’t know about you but after a break up, everything reminds me of my ex; especially, places. The streets where you guys walked holding hands. The worst if you pass by your ex’s home. Sometimes you wish you could just move to a new city so you didn’t have to be reminded of those painful memories. Well, move if you’re able but just taking a trip can be a great life catalyst as well. Go somewhere new, somewhere you guys didn’t make any memories and where you won’t have associations of you and your ex. But even then, you might still occasionally (or frequently) get mental mental triggers that remind you of your ex. Like the fact she used to drink water :(

To be distracted and happy.

You’re going to a new place! You’re going to have the time of your life. Think of your happiest moments. I bet a lot of them involved people and somewhere new. Maybe on a trip? So let’s take your mood from being the lowest and just move it to being okay or even good. That relative change of going from bad to okay will feel amazing. Like a new day.

Your mind will be busy and distracted. It’ll be busy processing all of the new information the new location is feeding you. Imagine getting off a plane somewhere tropical. A different climate. A different world. What a difference several hours on a plane makes! Plus you’ll be busy with a packed itinerary. When a close family member dies, the best thing you can do is keep busy. It’s the same with break ups. Once you’ve had some time to reflect and come to terms, you need to be active and move so you can move on. No one really gets over their parents dying. Thoughts and memories will always pop into your head, but if you didn’t keep busy, all you’d do is think about those things and feel sad. And then you’ll turn into a potato. You don’t want to turn into a potato, do you?

So try to be excited by all the novelty and new shiny things!

To feel love and supported or independent

There’s nothing like taking a trip with your best friends. You’ll feel so much love and support you’ll wonder why you even needed a partner. In fact, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs says the need for love and belonging can come from many sources including: friendships, romantic attachments, family, social groups, community groups, and churches and religious organizations. Read more about basic human needs. Travelling with friends addresses all those fundamental needs such as protection, affection, understanding, participation, leisure, creativity, sense of belonging, and freedom. You’ll prove to yourself you can feel awesome without your ex and be independent.

And if you don’t have anyone to travel with, travelling alone is actually a wonderful experience as well. Although it’s scary and uncomfortable at first and you’ll probably even feel like going home in the beginning. But if you push on by the second or third day, you can really find yourself though self-reflection, discover you enjoy doing whatever you want without regard for anyone else, and end up meet many new friends.

If you really want to travel with someone, most online classifieds have a section for travel partners. For example, Gumtree travel partners. Alternatively, you can try a tour group such as G Adventures or Contiki.

If you don’t know where to go, try GetGoing.com which will give you up to 40% discount on your flight if you don’t mind where you’re going.

Final words.

Whatever you do, go somewhere. And I promise you’ll feel better. You might even change something in the cosmos to change your destiny.

This is like the SATs of Breakups.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could see where you stood in terms of worldwide breakups? Are you more like Taylor Swift, Lily Allen or Adele? Sometimes when relationships end, you feel like you’re all alone and the only one who is going through this horrible painful experience. Maybe your breakup is bad, maybe it’s not as bad.

We’ve interviewed and worked with a lot of people and realised everyone breaks up. We also thought it’d be interesting to create a fun, anonymous break up quiz so everyone can share their breakup experience in a fast (2-3 minutes) and interesting way.

Go here to do the quiz now.

Once you’ve taken the quiz, you can look at some breakup statistics in aggregate graphical form. This means you can see all the anonymous responses people have given and how your breakup stacks up in the grand scheme of breakups. Globally.

This breakup survey evaluate you, your relationship, and your breakup.

Relationship deep dive

Some people had a one-month relationship, some people had a twelve year relationship, some were married, some were in long-distance relationships, some had sex, some considered the their ex their best friend. We explore it all.

Get answers to:

• What caused the relationship to start in the first place?
• What percentage of relationships are long distance?
• What percent of couples considered their partner their best friend?
• How long is an average relationship?
• Was sex invovled in the relationship? And how much?

Breakup analysis

Just like ketchup, there isn’t a single kind of breakup. Breakups happen for a variety of reasons such a lack of communication, getting bored, meeting someone else, having an opportunity call in a different country, and the sad fact that some people simply have no future together. And sometimes the other person just gets too fat.

Thought Catalog has a hilariously true piece on the 19 signs that should breakup with someone. There’s also a 99 cent breakup or not mobile app that you can use to figure out if you should breakup with your boyfriend. It has a 5 star rating so it seems pretty legit. But then again, what ever happened to slowly torturing a daisy until it told you what you needed to know?

Get answers to:

• Who dumped whom’s ass?
• What percent of breakups are mutual?
• How painful is the average breakup?
• What percent of exes are on good terms?
• What are the top reasons relationships end?
• What are the top ways to breakup?
• How many breakups has the average person had?
• What percentage of people are willing to get back with their ex?
• What percentage of people lose their loved ones to death?
• What kinds of relationships fails the most?

These answers are available as soon as you take the quiz but are in aggregate meaning you can’t get crazy insights right away like 20% of all people in long distance didn’t have sex or people who considered their partners their best friends rated breakups 2x more challenging than those who didn’t. Or girls are more likely to end relationships than guys by 14%. Okay, so those stats aren’t true but you get the point. In time, we’ll be able to slice and dice that data so you’ll be able to get even more interesting breakup and relationship statistics.

Subscribe to the Breakup App by email or RSS to stay up to date with our latest articles including crazy nerdy OkCupid style data-backed analysis.

It’d be great if you tell your friends to do this quiz too. The more people who do this, the more accurate the results. It takes 2:46 minutes to complete. Also it’s pretty fun :)