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Finding Closure in a Relationship

Written by a girl from Australia.


When relationships — whether romantic or platonic — fall apart, we are left trying to navigate the pain, while picking up the messy pieces. However, before we can focus on the next chapter, we still may need to dwell on the whats, the whys and the hows of all that unfolded.

He wasn’t just this guy I went out with; he was also my best friend. We knew everything about each other, both good and bad. I told him things I would never tell a soul. But we were young, I was immature and I didn’t appreciate what I had before.

A few days ago, I was going through my files in my hard drive that I’ve had for years when I stumbled upon this folder that I named “BDLP19”. I instantly knew that this was going to be a blast from the past. Knowing that I was over our “thing”, I clicked and read through our emails and conversations that I have saved. Some of them were sweet and half of it was just plain painful. We were never really “official” but deep down I knew that we were exclusive. I met him online when I was 13 through a mutual friend.

We actually didn’t start off on the right foot due to a misunderstanding I had with him regarding his two best friends. But after a few hours of chatting, I can say we hit it off pretty great. So I guess, it all started from there. We would chat everyday and tell each other how our days went and found out something new about each other every day. It was all innocent. We would talk or text with each other pretty much the whole day, and I felt like he was part of my daily routine. Then I started to catch myself thinking about him way too often; what he was doing, how he was and if he was thinking about me. I started to miss him whenever we wouldn’t talk. So I can pretty much say that I’ve developed this huge crush on him.

Freshmen year in high school when I had my first boyfriend (who sadly wasn’t BDLP). He was a Senior. And at that time, it was a big deal because I had this huge crush on him too. (What, I was young?! :P)  I really didn’t think BDLP and I had the chance to be together since we haven’t even met and I was young and too vulnerable. I cared about our friendship too much that I was terrified to ruin it, but damn when I started dating this guy, our friendship sure as hell went south. He got mad at me and he felt that I cheated on him but I really didn’t get it ‘cause we weren’t even dating. I won’t put too much on this issue; it’s just too funny and immature. But the funny thing is, I really cared for my first boyfriend, but I couldn’t help but think how great it would be if he were BDLP. After 8 months of dating, we finally decided to go our separate ways and move on with our lives since he was going off to college and our relationship was just getting too complicated and dramatic.

After that relationship ended, BDLP and I started talking again. I apologized and we were okay again. It felt great to have him back in my life. We FINALLY decided to meet up. That day, I must say, I will never forget. As cliché as it may sound, but it was one of the best days of my life, I was the happiest girl in the planet. It was all so perfect, all so innocent and sweet. I couldn’t have it any other way. Shrek 3 will forever have a soft spot in my heart.

Just like any other love story, things couldn’t be this perfect for too long. We had a huge fight again.  I got so confused and vulnerable as always. I was so mad at him for assuming that I chose this other guy over him, but the truth was, I was taking a break from both of them because things were getting too much like the OC. It really is hard to explain everything that happened but I was so angry at him and his friends and started dating this other guy instead. One guy I know I hurt the most after we ended our relationship a week after he introduced me to his parents. What a total bitch, I know.

How can I move on when I'm still in love with you

I couldn’t help but feel like a bitch whenever BDLP and I would talk for hours while this guy waited for me to call him. I couldn’t help feeling like the worst person on the planet when I would text with BDLP whenever him and I were together. I couldn’t help but feel bad knowing that this great guy didn’t deserve a very complicated girl like me. He didn’t deserve to be a rebound. He deserved someone better, someone who would treat him at least half as much as he treated me…like a princess. And I’m happy to say that today, at this very moment, he’s as happy as he can be with this girl who I know is perfect for him.

Things happen for a reason, you see. But right now, I still don’t know what the reason is behind why things didn’t work out between BDLP and I. It’s been 5 years, but it still hurts like he left for Australia 5 hours ago. I told him that I would wait for him just like he waited for me; waited for me to make up my mind and mature a little, I guess. But I guess, I made him wait too long. I’ll never forget the day when he told me that he just didn’t love me anymore. Plain and simple. It honestly still stings a little bit up to now. I just can’t help but think how things might be today if I wasn’t too complicated and immature. He was perfect! Perfect for me… He knew the exact thing to say to make me feel better again whenever I would have a shitty day. He listened, he shared, he cared, he was honest, he was genuine, one of a kind… and I just took advantage of his kindness and his love for me…

We went through a lot together and I’m serious when I say that one day simply isn’t enough to talk about our past. One very long post like this isn’t enough. It has been really hard to go out with other guys because I would always end up comparing them with him which is, SO WRONG. I really didn’t know what else to say to make me feel better…

So yeah, I finally sent him an email on Facebook; an email which took a lot of courage for me to send. It took me some time to send it but I figured, everyone’s moving on with their lives, why shouldn’t I? I just want to find closure; something I’ve wanted to have since I realized that I wouldn’t have him back again.

We were having a good conversation when I decided to go straight to the point. I told him that I missed him as a friend. I missed talking to him and that we’ve been through a lot and I can see we’ve both grown and moved on. I just hope we could be friends again. Nothing more, nothing less. I even apologized for being so weird and random, but I just really thought he should know. Then just like that, he didn’t reply anymore. Thanks a lot Facebook, for having that “read” feature. Haha!

But for what it’s worth, I’m really glad I was able to let it off my chest. It feels good to finally let him know how I feel.

I will forever regret and hate myself for letting him go, but I would hate myself more if I didn’t let him know I feel. I just hope that wherever he may be, whatever he may be doing, I hope for him to be happy, genuinely happy. I hope that he finds someone, someone who will love him for everything he is and everything he has to offer because a guy like him deserves it. He deserves to be treated with respect, love, loyalty, trust and everything else that comes along with loving someone so truly. Something that I’ve only realized now.

He will always be the love of my life, my first love, my siomai and my BDLP.

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